Relief????
I share this experience with you dear reader, to save you the trouble of doing the same idiot things and suffering the consequences. As you will see, the ordeal itself allows me the time to compose this narrative for your edification. Lucky you.
The first dumb thing I did was decide I had walked by the new bathroom vanity too many times and should try to install it myself. Broken rule # 1 - always pay a pro to do it, you cannot afford the costs of doing it yourself.
Before I could install the new vanity I had to pry the old one off the cabinet onto which it was glued. I managed to loosen it enough to get the edge of a crowbar under it and was trying to loosen it more when the crowbar slipped and the vanity caught the end of my middle index finger between it and the cabinet.Broken rules # 2-4 - if you are going to insert a finger where it might get smashed, pick one on the left hand (lefty's can ignore this) - don't insert your finger into a place where it might get smashed (seems so simple now) - always pay a pro to do it, you cannot afford the costs of doing it yourself. (bears repeating)
I hastily removed my finger just milliseconds slower than I should have and proceeded to hop, dance, scream, bounce and cry my way from the back of the house to the kitchen. I was thinking of applying some cold water to the injured digit seeking relief. (Pausing To Dob Seeping Blood from fingernail to keep it off my keyboard. Future occurances of this action will be appreviated to PTDSB for brevity.) Cold water provided very little relief, as did extra strength tylonol, excedrin back and body tablets and a couple of Lortab left over from some encounter with a dentist. Application of a frozen cold pak has provided most of my relief over the last few days. Broken rule # 5 - Always keep a shot of morphine on hand for minor household accidents.
Since the end of my digit has produced excruciating pain to the touch (much less bump) by the next day I decided to seek assistance. I visited the local medical supply store. The kind ladies who run this business don't get a lot of walk in trade and were delighted to have the opportunity to PTDSB render advice and assistance. They provided an aluminum splint which could be bent around my finger and secured with a ace bandage. The kind ladies also assisted me in shaping the splint and I left with a more protected, but still throbbing finger.
My kind friends at church the next day were glad to shake my left hand when they saw the apparatus I had on my right. In was not until evening services that I ran into a neighbor who suggested that I drill a hole in the fingernail to relieve the pressure. Broken rule # 6 - Do not under any circumstances solicit or receive advice from neighbors.
This morning I decided some relief desperately needed, so I Googled "drill hole in fingernail". I quickly observed that I was not the first moron to have smashed a finger and sought advice in cyberspace. Several others were enthusiastic about drilling, poking and burning holes in fingernails and waxed on and on about the pleasure they derived from the trapped blood spurting toward heaven. Naturally, this seemed like a reasonable PTDSB idea to me. I chose the "heat a straightened paper clip over a burning candle and insert it in your fingernail" option.
About two hours ago I met with success and indeed there was some relief in seeing the blood flow, cleaning up the mess and being able to stop trying to burn a hole in my fingernail. However, as you may have guessed dear reader, I have not been able to move forward with my other plans for the day due to a little difficulty I have encountered in stoping the oozing of blood from the hole in my fingernail. None of the enthusiastic advocates for this remedy mentioned squat about how to keep blood off my clothes, furniture, keyboard or floor upon the PTDSB successful completion of this wildcat venture.
Alas, my good wife will come home from work in a few hours and may have an idea for me to try. Maybe she can help me find a needle for my morphine.
Be good to yourself.
Pop
The first dumb thing I did was decide I had walked by the new bathroom vanity too many times and should try to install it myself. Broken rule # 1 - always pay a pro to do it, you cannot afford the costs of doing it yourself.
Before I could install the new vanity I had to pry the old one off the cabinet onto which it was glued. I managed to loosen it enough to get the edge of a crowbar under it and was trying to loosen it more when the crowbar slipped and the vanity caught the end of my middle index finger between it and the cabinet.Broken rules # 2-4 - if you are going to insert a finger where it might get smashed, pick one on the left hand (lefty's can ignore this) - don't insert your finger into a place where it might get smashed (seems so simple now) - always pay a pro to do it, you cannot afford the costs of doing it yourself. (bears repeating)
I hastily removed my finger just milliseconds slower than I should have and proceeded to hop, dance, scream, bounce and cry my way from the back of the house to the kitchen. I was thinking of applying some cold water to the injured digit seeking relief. (Pausing To Dob Seeping Blood from fingernail to keep it off my keyboard. Future occurances of this action will be appreviated to PTDSB for brevity.) Cold water provided very little relief, as did extra strength tylonol, excedrin back and body tablets and a couple of Lortab left over from some encounter with a dentist. Application of a frozen cold pak has provided most of my relief over the last few days. Broken rule # 5 - Always keep a shot of morphine on hand for minor household accidents.
Since the end of my digit has produced excruciating pain to the touch (much less bump) by the next day I decided to seek assistance. I visited the local medical supply store. The kind ladies who run this business don't get a lot of walk in trade and were delighted to have the opportunity to PTDSB render advice and assistance. They provided an aluminum splint which could be bent around my finger and secured with a ace bandage. The kind ladies also assisted me in shaping the splint and I left with a more protected, but still throbbing finger.
My kind friends at church the next day were glad to shake my left hand when they saw the apparatus I had on my right. In was not until evening services that I ran into a neighbor who suggested that I drill a hole in the fingernail to relieve the pressure. Broken rule # 6 - Do not under any circumstances solicit or receive advice from neighbors.
This morning I decided some relief desperately needed, so I Googled "drill hole in fingernail". I quickly observed that I was not the first moron to have smashed a finger and sought advice in cyberspace. Several others were enthusiastic about drilling, poking and burning holes in fingernails and waxed on and on about the pleasure they derived from the trapped blood spurting toward heaven. Naturally, this seemed like a reasonable PTDSB idea to me. I chose the "heat a straightened paper clip over a burning candle and insert it in your fingernail" option.
About two hours ago I met with success and indeed there was some relief in seeing the blood flow, cleaning up the mess and being able to stop trying to burn a hole in my fingernail. However, as you may have guessed dear reader, I have not been able to move forward with my other plans for the day due to a little difficulty I have encountered in stoping the oozing of blood from the hole in my fingernail. None of the enthusiastic advocates for this remedy mentioned squat about how to keep blood off my clothes, furniture, keyboard or floor upon the PTDSB successful completion of this wildcat venture.
Alas, my good wife will come home from work in a few hours and may have an idea for me to try. Maybe she can help me find a needle for my morphine.
Be good to yourself.
Pop
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